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By Leigh Connelly, Dad & Writer.
Tantrums, those delightful moments when your little angel transforms into a tiny tornado of emotions, often giving you no clue what set them off. Did they stub their toe, or did you cut their sandwiches wrong? Maybe you served them juice in a cup that wasn't the right shade of red (yes, that's all it can take).
Getting through tantrums can be tough, especially when you're stuck in a supermarket queue, or your precious cherub decides to go off while waiting patiently in the doctor's office. We're here to help you keep your wits about you, with tips on riding out the storm or at least looking like a parent who's keeping it all together.
Why Tantrums Happen?
Any little thing can trigger a meltdown, however, the shape of the sandwich or the colour of the cup is usually just the tip of the iceberg.
Being tired - all parents can attest to how lack of sleep can bring on a case of the grumps. All they need is a little lie down.
They are hungry (a hungry child is a hangry child).
They're overwhelmed - too many choices can be paralysing (you'll know this to be true if you've recently had reason to peruse the Krispy Kreme menu).
They're frustrated because they lack the verbal skills to express themselves properly.
Keeping Your Calm During the Storm
So, how do you keep your cool when your little one is going into a full nuclear meltdown? The first thing to do is remember you are the adult, even if you feel like kicking and screaming yourself.
Take a deep breath: A deep breath is the pause you need to prevent you from reacting poorly. Inhale deeply, exhale. Acknowledge your feelings, but don't let them take hold and control you. Just let them go. Your feelings are momentary, like clouds on a breeze.
Count to ten: Mentally counting to ten is another strategy for creating a mental pause that prevents you from reacting without a plan. Used in conjunction with breathing, it gives your brain something else to focus on, other than the demon child in the trolley before you. If your toddler is in full swing, feel free to up the count and go to twenty or even thirty if that will help.
Ignore the tantrum: Unless your child is in physical danger, ignore the tantrum and pretend that nothing is happening. There will sometimes be actions you can't let them continue with, such as biting, kicking, hitting others, or throwing things. In these situations, remove your child from the environment and any throwable items within easy reach.
During particularly violent outbursts, I've had to apologise profusely to the checkout operator for the full trolley I had to leave behind because I had a burning need to get the heck out of there (and no, they did not get the Freddo that triggered the tirade).
Try a distraction: Distractions often worked well on my kids when they were younger, mostly while they were still firmly in the baby phase. I quickly learned that a set of jangly keys couldn't fool older, more worldly toddlers, though. You may just be giving them extra ammunition, so use caution.
Remember it's not personal: It may seem like it, but your toddler isn't chucking a hissy fit to ruin your day. However, they are having a tough time managing big emotions in their tiny frame and haven't yet learned a better way to express themselves.
Use your inside voice: It's tempting to raise your voice in response to a screaming toddler just to be heard. However, this never helps, sometimes embarrassingly so. Like throwing a match into gasoline, a raised voice directed at your toddler will only escalate the situation and earn you more than a few disapproving glares.
Remind yourself this too shall pass: Tantrums, like mullet haircuts in the 80's, don't last long. Of course, when you're in the middle of one, it can feel like an age, but the meltdown will end and be over almost as quickly as it started. Unfortunately, photos of bad mullets seem to last forever.
Praise your child when they start behaving: Once the child has achieved a state of relative calm, praise them for their behaviour with hugs and verbal praise (but not the Freddo, never the Freddo). This way, you will reinforce their good behaviour without teaching them that a tantrum is the path to a sweet treat.
“Tantrums are learned responses, and the goal is to help children unlearn them by teaching more mature ways to handle frustrations, like compromising or complying in exchange for a positive reward.”
Dr. Vasco Lopes, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist
Tantrums are a normal part of growing up and will fade as your child matures. One day, you'll look back on these meltdowns with a strange mix of nostalgia and relief—and they’ll definitely make for some good stories at parties.
However, if tantrums are escalating, lasting longer, or causing harm, it might be time to check in with a doctor. Persistent or extreme tantrums can signal underlying issues that need professional attention.
DADDING IN ACTION |
Next time your little one starts a meltdown, take a deep breath, count to ten, and respond calmly – it sets the example for how they can manage their big emotions. |
RESOURCES:
Books:
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: Offers insight into understanding tantrums and how to manage them using brain science.
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: A practical guide for managing tantrums while fostering emotional growth in children.
Podcasts:
Parental As Anything by Maggie Dent – An Australian podcast with tips on managing tantrums, calming strategies, and child development.
Raising Good Humans by Dr. Aliza Pressman – Focuses on understanding children’s emotional regulation and how to approach tantrums calmly.
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