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By Leigh Connelly, Dad & Writer.
Parenting teenagers is like tiptoeing through a minefield—one wrong move, and you're caught in an emotional explosion that'll ruin your day faster than you can say, "What happened?!".
It's during these times I can find myself feeling oddly nostalgic about the good old days. You know, the ones filled with dirty nappies, sleepless nights, and the terrible twos. Those early days of fatherhood were exhausting, but dealing with a teenager in a mood can make them feel like they were a walk in the park.
Occasional conflicts with the resident teenager are inevitable. However, when approached with empathy, patience, and understanding, you can get through the turmoil and hopefully keep door slamming to a minimum.
Understanding the Teenage Mind
The teenage brain is a turbulent place, with many changes happening all at once. It can often make dealing with them feel like a failed cultural exchange with an alien race. We're now at war, people!
Synaptic pruning is the technical term for a teenage brain under construction. Unused connections are eliminated, and frequently used connections are strengthened. Teenage emotional outbursts and impulsive decisions are all part of growing up, so don't take them personally.
"Adolescents are not monsters. They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves."
Open Communication
Teenagers are not always forthcoming about their thoughts and feelings, no surprises there. Make yourself available and approachable, and let your teenager know they can come to you with any issue, big or small- whether it’s a bad grade or a mystery dent in the car that definitely wasn’t their fault.
Active Listening
Teenagers respect active listening, making it a powerful tool for dealing with conflict. Fully engage with what they say by asking questions, responding thoughtfully, and being present without getting judgemental.
Set Boundaries and Expectations
Healthy, respectful parent-teen relationships require boundaries and clearly defined expectations. Saying "Don't stay out late" is ambiguous. Instead, "Please be home by 10 PM" clearly sets expectations with no room for creative interpretation.
It's just as important to stick to your rules—if you're wishy-washy, teenagers will see that as a green light for negotiating. Follow through with the consequences, too. Keep them natural to the rules that were broken, like a ban on going out the next weekend if they break curfew. Consistency shows them you're serious, even if they act like they're not.
Manage Your Reactions
If explosive rage becomes your usual modus operandi, your child might learn that it's better to avoid conflict by lying to you and doing things behind your back.
Challenging as these times are, channelling your inner Vulcan is preferable to losing control of yourself.
When you feel your temper rising, take a few deep breaths and create some distance. If your child isn't putting themselves in any danger, now is probably not the best time to confront them. Take a short break so cooler heads can prevail during the subsequent peace talks.
Spend Quality Time Together
The average teenager has an active social life. If they're not having an outburst at home, they're off enjoying themselves with friends. You don't want every moment you spend together to be in conflict, so squeeze in some quality time with your kids.
In my home of four girls, shopping with Mum is the preferred outing, but I also make sure to get in some quality gaming time. Fortnite isn't my jam, but I'm happy to make the sacrifice. Stick them in the diary so everyone can look forward to them, and also give your teens time to plan around their mates. That way they don't feel like they are missing out on anything by hanging with the oldies.
While navigating conflict with teenagers is always a bit of a rollercoaster, these tricky moments are golden opportunities to build stronger relationships and help them grow into emotionally stable, independent adults—ones you’ll actually enjoy being around someday!
DADDING IN ACTION |
Next time things get heated, take a deep breath, step back, and come back to the conversation when you’re both calm. |
Resources:
Books:
Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour – A great resource for understanding teenage behaviour, especially for dads of daughters.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – Offers practical advice on managing emotions and conflict with kids and teenagers.
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish – A classic guide to fostering open communication with your teen.
Podcasts:
Raising Teens Podcast – A series specifically designed to help parents navigate the teenage years, with expert advice on conflict, communication, and emotional development.
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